Duty: A Secret Baby Romance by Lauren Landish

Author:Lauren Landish [Landish, Lauren]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2016-11-05T22:00:00+00:00

Driving back to our quarters, Lance is giddy in the back seat. “He let me use a knife!”

“Yes, I saw, honey,” I respond, smiling at the memory. Lance and Aaron were in total connection, cutting up the cake that Aaron surprised us with. It wasn't some butter knife either. It was a real kitchen knife, which worried me until I saw how careful Lance and Aaron were being together. Lance understood the importance of using a big boy’s knife. “You did great, too.”

With all the excitement, Lance goes down early even with the sugar from the cake running through him, and as I kiss his forehead after tucking him in, I watch him sleeping softly, reminiscing. I could tell in his answer, Aaron's been lonely. I could see it in his decorations, in the fact that he has only a basic four plate set, four knives, four spoons, things like that. They sell a set just like what he has at the PX. I was tempted to get one myself when I was moving into enlisted housing. I ended up inheriting a set from one of the other enlisted at Lewis, who gave me their old stuff as a housewarming gift. Aaron didn't get any housewarming gifts, it looks like.

I could see it in his bedroom, which I saw through the door when I took Lance to the toilet. A full-sized bed is nowhere near big enough for a man Aaron's size with any sort of active sex life. You can't even fit two people in it comfortably. The sheets looked crisp but also mostly unused, unlike the comforter Lance slept on, and the couch already looks well broken in. He probably sleeps there more than in his bed.

I've been lonely too, though. I love Lance, but the chance today to talk with Aaron, even the painful parts, I felt a part of me awaken. It was the adult, non-military side. Other than talking with Petie, nobody really ever talks with me that way. Even other soldiers, off duty, still have that Army-ness about them. The topics of conversation always drift to Army things, there's too much talk filled with foul language and Army speak. With Aaron, the only things that said Army were the diploma on his wall and the haircut.

There's a bit of regret that I didn't tell him about the nights waking up, wishing I had arms to hold onto. I didn't tell him about the afternoons where I cry in exhaustion and shame at how little time I spend with my son. I didn't tell him about the two months at Lewis, right after Lance started talking, where he called the senior daycare worker at the center Mommy instead of me, or the times he wasn't sure about hugging me because I felt like a stranger to him. Talk about making you feel like the world's shittiest mother.

And I won't let Lance be hurt again, and that includes not getting a chance to know his father, even if he doesn't know that's who Aaron is for now.

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